rated R
characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.  archived by Bright Shiny Objects.
 
 

I heard a rumour once, a saying maybe, that you can never undo all that you have undone in a lifetime. At the time I'm sure it meant little more than nothing but it seems fitting that I should think of it now.

In my mind I replay time and time again the moments of my life. The more I try to forget the greater the ease with which those people and places invade my thoughts. Ironic, isn't it. Though I suppose it's due justice.

Once, he told me it was forever.

"And if I want out?" I sneered.

A pause and then a smile. "There is no 'out' Nerys." And the way in which he slurred my name has stayed with me throughout the years.

I was young. Young, angry and looking for an excuse to justify just how angry I really was. For so many years I lashed out at Cardassia, embraced the resistance and all that it stood for. And when I won the war, I immediately began waging this new and ever present fight; lashing out at anyone and anything close to me simply because it reminded me that in the end I had lost.

He offered to me a way out. "Fight for what's right in the Universe, Nerys." And it all seemed so surreal. I once again had a family, covert though it was. But I belonged. And at the time nothing else really mattered.

I lived for the thrill of the game. Hiding, mysterious, the good never to be understood. I lived for the victory of it all. Although, so many years later it strikes me how naive and misguided I really was. A shame I did not come to this realization sooner; I think it would have saved us all a great deal of suffering.

He told me it would make me a better officer. A better Bajoran. A better individual, he said, with a grin and a trace of his hand. It was the heat of the moment, I was weak or willing (or both) or at least this is what I've been telling myself all this time. I hate to think that I was ever so gullible as to walk right in to his waiting arms.

He had a way. He had a way about him that enticed me, scared me and irritated the hell out of me all at the same time. And for the life of me I just can't quite figure him out. Even after all these years, all that we have done and haven't done and the only thing I can say for certain is that I will never understand who he has become.

Somewhere in the dark I told him it was over.

"You know I can't do that, Nerys" he smiled and for the first time I noticed that his smiles are very superficial.

I know, I want to say but somewhere along the way the words have disappeared. Instead I kiss him, long and hard and he fucks me against the wall of my quarters, people, places and stars turning in circles around us.

And all is as it should be.
 

I heard a rumour once, a saying maybe, that you can never undo all that you have undone in a lifetime. At the time I'm sure it meant little more than nothing, but it seems fitting that I should think of it now.

There is a message waiting when I step inside and immediately I know who it is from. It has been re-routed, re-coded, secured, sent in circles and back again, and for all intents and purposes-it does not exist.

It was never real.

But then, neither was I.
 

end